Ch. 4: The Short Story: Defining and Shaping

#1: False Epiphanies I Have Had

1.) Suddenly I realized… that the only men I want are the ones I can’t have.

2.) I’ll go weeks without dreaming about him, and then suddenly he’s there. He’s in the tree house I’ve climbed up into to escape the crazy man slowly stalking me through the woods—the one who no matter how fast you run is always just a few steps behind you, walking. He’s sitting in a bus stop shelter on the deserted road I’m jogging along. He comes out from around corners or is leaning against buildings, always just out of my reach, always smiling. The wave of shock and excitement over his unexplained presence is the first thing to come, followed always by the same question—“What are you doing here?” I never get an answer. Just that smile, like he knows something really great—something that will be years before I can even begin to understand. But this not knowing doesn’t scare me. When I’m here with him like this, his face so full of answers to questions I haven’t even thought of yet, the only thing I feel is safe. He’s going to hug me now, squeeze me really tight. I’ll feel the warmth of his breath on the top of my head, smell his cologne. I’ll lift my head to kiss his lips, still parted, still smiling. Just as I’m about to tell him that I love him, I wake up.

3.) The next morning, nothing will get done. Because when he comes to me like this, the rest of the day is a loss—it’s spent kicking myself for never telling him how I really feel. Because now he is married. And the one after him was married, too. And the one I almost married is about to marry someone else. And the one I want to marry now never wants to get married. And so it goes. I tell myself I only want men I can’t have… when really I cling to men I can’t have because I’m afraid of being alone. And, hey, look at that! Another epiphany! And so the cycle continues…

#2.) Opportunities Not Taken

I had planned to go north for Spring Break to visit my family, but the closer the time came to having to pack up the car and make the eight hour drive from San Diego, the more I wanted to just stay home. A little over four months had passed since I’d last seen my parents, Christmas at their house. I missed them, they missed me, and I didn’t want there to be hurt feelings. But the weather there predicted thunderstorms and snow all week, while the weather here called for sunshine and temperatures in the low 80s. My roommate would also be out of town, which meant I’d have the house to myself. Tom Cruise slid through my mind in a pair of underwear and black Ray-Bans, urging me to stay home and rock ‘n roll. Nobody says no to Tom Cruise. Instead I said no to make-up, drying my hair, and wearing anything but pajamas. I said no to healthy food and exercise. I said no to laundry and cleaning. I went to the beach and watched the surfers attempt to catch waves and small children attempt to skip rocks across them. I caught up on all the new movies I hadn’t seen. I listened to hours of This American Life while sipping coffee spiked with cinnamon. I wrote, I read, I wrote some more. I watched that new show Glee everyone is talking about, pausing every now and then to belt out the songs I liked myself—to my surprise, I’m pretty good. I drank white wine and danced in my underwear to Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Ludicrous. Tom Cruise may be the master at sliding across the floor in his calf high white socks, but I can show him a thing or two about “gettin’ low.”